Yeah, Nah

A lesson in dogged determination

It seems I have inadvertently but very successfully trained my dog that the word ‘come’ means ‘come no closer’, and the word ‘stay’ means ‘stay out of reach’. Fellow dog owners can probably relate.

On the way back from morning coffee¹ there's a small partially fenced dog beach where Phoebe likes to take a brief dip, retrieve a few thrown sticks, and generally sniff around. This has progressively become step one of her deception plan. If she heads into the mangroves she can emerge unrestrained beyond the fence line, which is where the real game for her begins.

Typically she'll run slightly ahead of me through the soccer and netball fields to the other end of Meadowbank Park where the dog enclosure is, almost a kilometre away, then wait impatiently for someone to let her inside. All good usually.

This time as I approached to open the entrance she decided to run around the perimeter to the gate on the other side. Funny girl. Even funnier for her to repeat it n times. I was not prepared to discover my limit as n approaches infinity, suffice to say it would not by her or my inference result in geometric convergence of dog and owner. With an imminent medical appointment to attend, I commenced the two kilometre walk home. I needed her to return to me faithfully.

There's a major road about three quarters of the way home. I pictured a very low scoring and traumatically real dog version of Crossy Road². By that stage she was cautiously following a few metres behind, ever ready to dart, never allowing me close enough to collar her to hook up the lead. Weaving through the quieter back streets I made my way to a nearby petrol station to acquire the food that I vainly hoped would serve as effective bait.

Other people came and went through the automatic doors as I completed my transaction. Several commented on the loose dog hanging around outside, then suddenly inside, then just as quickly outside again. I tried to call her to me. Of course she was not interested in what I had to offer - there was a catch. Clearly in her mind there were undesirable strings attached. My lack of patience may have been a strong deterrent. Thanks but no thanks. The security camera footage of the standoff must be amusing.

Fed up and overheated, I went and sat in the adjacent McDonalds to cool off and consider my options. She approached outside, stood her ground, and we stared each other down through the glass door. I mean this literally when I say she was a smug looking bitch.

Just then a customer entered and Phoebe scurried in as well, avoiding my clutches as she circled around a large table occupied by a lunchtime meeting of bemused local execs. With me in attempted pursuit, she finally backed into a corner. Thus I recovered my dog, but in full view of the store had sacrificed what remained of my dignity. The subsequent walk home was uncomfortable for both of us. Who won that competition, dog or man?

This week my CA 19-9 marker hit a recent low, putting it just inside the normal range for a non cancerous subject³, giving me a reason for tempered celebration if the mood allows. The cancer is still present but for now it is being suppressed by effective drug treatment that hopefully keeps it under control longer term. After chemotherapy finishes next month who knows when and where else the cancerous activity will return to bite. It will be an uncertain wait.

This iconic Aussie pub rock screamer musically poses a question which is answered with a most emphatic and famously idiomatic and offensive form of Yeah, Nah. At one time or another we have all wanted to shout this response at the top of our voices at someone or something. On that day it could have been her talking to me. But today like most other days I'm talking to you cancer. Please take a hint.

1. https://forkandspoon.com.au/

2. https://crossy-road.io/

3. https://pathologytestsexplained.org.au/ptests.php?q=CA19-9%20(Cancer%20antigen%2019-9)